In the beginning there was Nothing.  Or more accurately, before the beginning there was Nothing, because when there is Nothing, then only Nothing can begin.

Before the beginning there was Nothing.  And the Nothingness was calm and content.  In the Nothingness was the vastness of time.   And with the vastness of time, the Nothingness grew exceedingly bored.   (“Exceedingly” being used somewhat inaccurately since at this time there is only Nothing to “exceed.”)  And from the boredom came an idea.  And the Nothingness decided to create Something to alleviate the boredom.  

And from the Nothingness came Something.  And the Nothingness named it “Adom.”  And in return Adom named the Nothingness “Gawd.”

And unto Adom, Gawd said “I have created you in my own image.  Go forth and multiply.”  To which replied Adom, “But you were Nothing before you created me.  If I am Something, then how can I be created in the image of Nothing?”  To this Gawd replied, “Stop being such a wiseass and do as you’re told.”

And thus It began.

"Okay then..." sayeth Adom.

Adom, eager yet alone, looked around his lonely self and turned back to Gawd, with difficulty, for being Nothing as Gawd was, He wasn't easy to pinpoint.

Yes did Adom look out unto His last known general direction and proclaim, "Yes, Gawd!  An excellent suggestion indeed! Um.    How shall I proceed then?"

At this Gawd, a bit tired from some earlier business, said not a thing, but reached his Nothing into Adom and fashioned a companion for him from Adom's very own rib, leaving Adom feeling better for he had been previously unbalanced.

Then, despite all incestuous sketchiness, the first human being and the new human being turned their backs to Gawd and set about the business of the multiplying, without a blood test or anything.

"Excellent." sayeth Gawd, "I'll just be...um..."

...and Gawd sauntered off all by his nonesome - with definite plans - to plant a tree - which neither of them - would ever be able to touch

-   ever.

Adom and the newly-created-from-spare-rib being stared at each other for a while.  Adom declared, “You are new.  You are Something.  You need a name.”   At this they both stared at each other for a while longer.  Said Adom, “Hmmm.  Let’s see.  You were created from a bit of something that was separated from me and used to make you.   How about we call you ‘Cleavage’?”   The new one blinked and stared at Adom for a while.  Said Cleavage, “I don’t think I like that.  How about we get Gawd to give me a better name?”   “Gawd,” cried out Cleavage.   “GAWD?”    The silence that followed felt eerily foreboding of things to come.    As there was no answer, they put the name issue on hold and decided to get on with the multiplying.  

Neither of them had any idea what this multiplication thing was supposed to look like.  At first they decided to stare at each other.   Nothing happened.   Then they decided to touch each other.  Nothing happened.   Then they decided to try to wiggle their ears and make spit bubbles.  Nothing happened.   After several days of fruitless efforts, they were both feeling an emptiness welling up from inside.   “Maybe this is the multiplying thing,” they both concluded.   So, being in the Garden of Eatin, they decided to fill this new emptiness with something.  They began to consume whatever they came across.  After a while, the emptiness went away, but still nothing happened.  Until…

After several weeks, Gawd returned to check in on the new couple.  Adom and Cleavage joyfully ran to Gawd, and with great eagerness they told Gawd all that had happened.  “We have discovered multiplication!   We have been eating of the Garden of Eatin.   Behold!   We have multiplied all over the landscape!”

Gawd was silent.

With restraint, spoke Gawd, “This is Crap.  This is not what I had in mind.  Please try something else.”

Cried Adom and Cleavage, "But we took grapes and radishes and made smiley faces on them!"

Said Gawd, "No, something else."

When Gawd stopped talking the newly-created-from-spare-rib-being-who-didn't-care-for-her-rather-disturbing-name, stared after the direction of his voice and noticed in the distance this amazing looking tree that hadn't been there before. It was beautiful, glowing.

"Adom look at that," she whispered.  But Adom's mind was already consumed with this one thing he had to do. He had a distracted, quizzical look about his face and didn't even notice when she spoke, which highly disturbed her.

"Gawd!" she cried out unnerved. "Wait, Gawd, did you plant that - that tree? That's a really nice looking tree, Gawd. Sparkly. Look, come back and help us.  We're kind of stuck and I'd kind of also like a better name - if you wouldn't mind suggesting something - maybe.  We could really use some help with..."

"DON'T TOUCH IT! DON'T GO ANYWHERE NEAR IT! IT'S MINE!"

...to which the female being raised up her eyebrow, put up her hand and turned her back on the Lard, which was her new secret name for him.

Then, bored with Adom, resentful of having been rebuffed by Gawd, curious and knowing nothing whatsoever of spontaneous emissions of streams of particles or electromagnetic rays in nuclear decay, did she first defy the Lard and saunter over to it without even wondering if it might be radioactive.

Thus, the yet-to-be-renamed female stood before Gawd’s Tree-of-Sparkly. She was in awe with its shiny beauty, knowing nothing of the refractive index of light as it travels through differing densities of media.  As she stood admiring the tree, Gawd came swooping in from the nothingness. “DON’T TOUCH IT”, he yelled.  Then, before the female could respond, Gawd brought into the world a new creature to protect his Tree-of-Sparkly.  As there was little else left, the new creature was made from one of the many piles of multiplication that now dominated the landscape.  

“THIS!” said Gawd, “is a new being I have created to protect my Tree-of-Sparkly.  He shall be known as a ‘lawyer’.  His name shall be known as Beelzebubble.  His purpose in life is to prevent you from having what you desire most.  SO IT SHALL BE!”  

To this, Beelzebubble responded, “Thank you, Gawd.  I shall be honored and pleased to do your bidding.”

The female stared at them both, restraining her growing contempt.  As Gawd departed, she thought to herself, “This extreme-over-protection must be a testosterone thing.” 

Interrupting, said Beelzebubble, “The rules here have been clearly defined in this situation. This is Gawd’s Tree, and you are not allowed to touch it.”

“But..” mumbled the female.

“This falls under the definition of property.  You see, this tree is Gawd’s property.  Not yours.”

“But..”

“In order for there to be any level of sustained civilized conduct, there must be respect for property and ownership thereof.”

“But..”

“All members of a society must respect these rules of property or the whole system will collapse into chaos.”

“BUT..”

“It’s simple. This tree is Gawd’s tree.  He created it, and only he can touch it.  You respect his position on this, don’t you?”

“***BUT!!***”

“Look, you’re just going to have to accept these rules.  I can explain them for you , but you’re going to have to stop your infantile yapping and listen to me for just a minute…”

***!!!

“**FUCK**YOU!!**” screamed the female.

Thus did the female shove the lawyer into the nearest pile of multiplication, pull up the Tree-of-Shiny by its roots, and beat the lawyer with the tree until he ran away.

And thus was Adom’s attention drawn by the commotion, at which he found the yet-to-be-renamed female standing, panting heavily, holding a broken tree, with a rabid, savage look in her eyes. 

Amazed, thought Adom, “This must be an estrogen thing.”

…and he looked away and as he did his wandering gaze landed upon the voluptuous sisters of the original female.  Said sisters had quite appeared of nowhere, nor with any explanation whatsoever and Adom could not, would not divert his ogling stare.

The female, turning, noticing, already riled, up to her neck in repugnance and quite ready to lose the vastly scattered remnants of her remaining bits of sanity shouted out, “Beelzebubble!  Show me your serpent!”

To which - the lawyer slithered up beside her.

Being ambitious, utterly unscrupulous and eager to attain another client he charmingly responded, “Thank you. I shall be honored and pleased to do your bidding. And - what might I call you?”

“Just - call me Even,” she replied and taking his hand steered him away behind the miraculous tree, which being a surprisingly more sensible creation of Gawd paid them little heed and focused instead on the business of replanting its very own sore and disjointed roots.

And for a while, there were hushed conversations in the Garden of Eatin.   Adom continued on his quest to multiply.  He decided to approach Even’s two new voluptuous sisters.  Meanwhile, Even and Beelzebubble were behind the Tree of Sparkly discussing future plans.  At the time, no one noticed, but had they been listening carefully, they would have heard Gawd far off in the nonesome distance angrily murmuring something about leaving all of it and joining the circus.

The Tree, in the meantime, said nothing.

Meanderings of Multiplication
And thus did Adom wipe the drool off his chin.  Said Adom to the two new females, “You two are new.  You need names.”  The females replied, “But Gawd has already given us names.  I am..”  Adom, appearantly not listening, interrupted and announced to the two new sisters, “You shall be named Candy , and you shall be named Cane.”   Candy/Cane pondered the new names.  Being new to the area, they figured having multiple names must be normal for this region.   They looked to each other and shrugged an unconcerned acceptance of the new names. 

Said Adom, “Our Gawd, who hath created us, has given command to me to go forth and multiply.  Thus far, I have not been successful.  Will you please help me in my quest?”

Said Candy, “I dunno. You’re kind of goofy looking.  Plus those lime-green hot pants make you look like a squooshed insect.  I think I’m going to stick to my plan to become a world leading proctologist. But you can talk to my sister.”

Meanwhile
Said Even unto Beelzebubble, “I do not like they way this is playing out.  We need to change this.” 

Said Beelzebubble, “How may I do your bidding?”

Said Even, “Will you please get your hand off my thigh?  ---  Thank You.  Well first, I thought we would take your serpent, and..”
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
And thus did everyone wander off, deep in their respective discussions.

And, left behind, the Tree of Sparkly was, at last, free to let out an indulgent laugh. . (click here)